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amusing

I never knew my father was an alcoholic until he came home sober one night.
       -Andre Botes

Itís not true that life is one damn thing after another. Itís the same damn thing over and over.
       -Edna St.Vincent Milay

People never grow up, they just learn how to act in public.
       -Bryan White

I have great faith in fools -- my friends call it self-confidence.
       -Edgar Allen Poe

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?  Iím halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my god, I could be eating a slow learner.
       -Lynda Montgomery

I grew up with six brothers. Thatís how I learned to dance -- waiting to get into the bathroom.
       -Bob Hope

I donít really enjoy sex.  I just pretend I do to get girls to sleep with me.
       -Byron Alley

Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on society.
       -Mark Twain

There is a very fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
       -Oscar Levant

Brevity is the soul of lingerie.
       -Dorothy Parker

I tried to wrestle my inner demons once, but they used too many illegal holds.
       -Amanda McAllister

Even if youíre on the right track, youíll get run over if you just sit there.
       -Will Rogers

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
       -Unknown

If weíd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.
       -Edith Wharton

Every time I think Iíve hit bottom, someone hands me a shovel.
       -Unknown

According to my calculations, the problem doesnít exist.
       -Unknown

I feel sorry for people who donít drink. When they wake up in the morning, thatís as good as theyíre going to feel all day.
       -Frank Sinatra

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry, and the world looks sheepish and suddenly remembers it had other plans.
       -Unknown

If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing, and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination.
       -Thomas de Quincy (1785-1859)

Blinky lights are the essence of technology. Everything else is just fluff.
       -Unknown

Every dark cloud has a silver lining, but lightening kills hundreds of people each year who are trying to find it.
       -Unknown

Computers let you make mistakes faster than anything except handguns and tequila.
       -Mitch Radcliffe

If men can run the world, why canít they stop wearing neckties?  How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?
       -Linda Ellerbee

Thereís no such thing as a tough child.  If you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
       -W.C. Fields

Curse the blasted, jelly-boned swines, the slimy, the belly-wiggling invertebrates, the miserable soddingrotters, the flaming sods, the sniveling, dribbling, dithering, palsied, pulse-less lot that make up England today. Theyíve got white of egg in their veins and their spunk is so watery itís a marvel they can breed.
       -D.H. Lawrence

Behind every great man is a surprised woman.
       -Maryon Pearson

I am prepared to meet my Maker.  Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
       -William Churchill

The nice thing about Windows is -- it does not just crash, it displays a dialog box and lets you press ĎOKí first.
       -Arno Schaefer

Sex is like a card game: if you donít have a good partner, youíd better have a good hand.
       -Unknown

Sure a woman can fake an orgasm, but it takes a man to fake a whole relationship.
       -Unknown

Coredelia: So, does looking at guns really make girls wanna have sex?  Thatís scary.
Xander: Yeah, I guess.
Cordelia: Well does looking at guns make you wanna have sex?
Xander: Iím seventeen. Looking at linoleum makes me wanna have sex.
       -conversation from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Dough...the stuff that buys me beer.
Ray...the guy that sells me beer.
Me...the one who drinks the beer.
Far...a long run to get beer.
So...Iíll have another beer.
La...la la la la la beer.
Tea...no thanks Iím drinking beer.
That will bring us back to *looks into empty glass* doh.
       -sung by Homer on the Simpsons (but applicable to so many college students *grin*)

Time is never wasted when youíre wasted all the time.
       -Unknown